Acting as if...

... you give a rat's ass some days is really fucking hard work.  I'm usually in receipt of a pretty hefty salary for this job I do quite well.  I can mask when I'm having a bad day better than most, as I truly believe in you reap what you sow; therefore, I don't treat people like shit just because I have a headache or some twisted plot turning in my head and don't have time to deal with anyone else but myself. 

I am rewarded greatly by having many people around me who honestly care for me and the fact that if they're having a rough time of it, they can count on me to be a confidante, a companion, a champion of their cause, co-signing or discouraging their next best plan; and I have many who respond in kind for which I am extremely grateful.

So it is with the deepest of gratitude that I say that it's been a tough damn day for me to be my normal carefree self.  I woke up in pain.  This weather is killing my damn shoulder deformity, which made it difficult to sleep and even harder to get up.  The shoulder makes my neck hurt, which makes my head feel like my scalp is gonna peel off at any second, no matter how many damn aspirin I can stomach.  Month end has suprisingly rolled around again at work and my boss was in his own dark space all day.  But I smiled at everyone and did my job and answered the phone when I was needed.  Even managed to reach out and speak to another woman about my "hyssy fit" issues that I wrote about yesterday.  I kept it all wound up as tightly as I could today, because no one else needs to suffer just because I am.  And yet, all it took was ONE person to cop an attitude, not even one directed at ME, just an attitude, and I have completely lost all grip on my desire to "act as if".  If other people suck at it, then by Gawd, I will too.

Fuck this.  Fuck that.  Fuck her.  Fuck him.  Fuck it all.  Who gives a flying fucking fuck?

Oh yeah.  That's right.  I do.  This is not who I am or who I've ever been.  But damn, it kinda feels good to have my moments....  :>  (that's an evil grin)