Gratitude for Freedom

I didn't blog yesterday, as I ran errands and worked around the crib yo!  I even got candy for the trick or treaters that never showed, which is just fine, because now I get to eat it ALL!!!

Now for today....  I got up pretty early and mowed down some cinnamon rolls and a couple of cups of coffee and went back to bed!  After I rolled back out, I started to pick up all of my damn shoes and boots that I tend to just leave lay where I walk out of 'em, when Amazing Amanda called and told me it was like 80 degrees outside and told me I needed to go ride my damn motorcyle.  Thanks Beautiful Girl!  You knew exactly what I needed!!!

I got the poor, dirty Harley out and went for a seriously needed day in the wind.  I can not tell you how fucking cool it is to be on my bike.  I am so grateful every time I get on that thing.  Grateful for who I am and how far I've come.  Andy and I rode Highway 5 to Leavenworth, which is just the coolest two lane in Kansas if ya ask me, to Highway 7 to Atchison, had some lunch and reversed it.  I have missed this ride for two years, living in Columbia last year and my pain and resulting surgery this year.

I had forgotten how much this trek means to me.  I have been travelling that stretch on a motorcycle since 1999, when I was on the back of my ex-husband, DerrylictionDegredationandDeath's, bike.  I loved it then and I love it even more now that I have the freedom of my own scoot.  Something I never would have thought possible "back in the good old days".

The thing about this route, for anyone who isn't from around these parts, is that Hwy 5 winds around through the minimum security prisons outside of Lansing, KS.  Going by the smaller camps on 5, seeing the men waving and watching through the razor wired fences if they're out in the yard, is always bittersweet.  I always wonder if it hurts them to see someone riding by on a bike, experiencing freedom that has been lost to them in some way or another.  Wondering how many of them are there for drug related crimes and feeling a sadness that they couldn't have found a "fellowship" like I did, before their lives were boxed in beyond their control. 

And then, as you travel on, past the Fort Leavenworth National Cemetary and seeing all of the white gravestones (I just checked, 23,058 internments) of soldiers who have served our Country, in times of war and peace, fighting for a freedom that the prisoners have lost and so many of us take for granted. 

Once you get on Hwy 7, you will come upon the most ominous structure in the state,  Leavenworth Penitentiary.  A Federal prison with more history than my heart can stand.  Built by prisoners for prisoners.  It is absolutely FOREBODING.  My chest always feels like it's being squeezed.  The pain behind those HUGE walls.  The thoughts of the men that have been housed there almost too much to fathom.  Before 9/11, when they put up barriers so you could only go so far up the driveway, we would pull right up to the front steps and have a moment of silence for those being housed there and those yet to come.  The addict who still suffers inside and outside those walls and that dome.

I always pause to think about the "self-made prisons" I have built for myself over the years.  Serving my time, breaking out, escaping with my life, only to find myself back inside the dark walls of my mind because I wasn't staying vigilant to my own morals and values.  Compromising them for others, thinking I'm serving myself, only to realize too late that I've locked myself up again.  I have freedom that I need to be grateful for on a daily basis.  When I lose my gratitude, I lose myself and lose my way.  And it's so damn sneaky, that I don't see it until I'm doin' hard time inside my mind again.  I've never been behind the walls or walked the yard with that fucking razor wire, but I know that it could easily have been me, had I not found my way on a different path.  The "other fellowship" says, "There but by the grace of God go I."  Never is that phrase more resonant than when I take that beautiful stretch of road to Atchison and back.  And it's beautiful because of the road and the scenery, which INCLUDES the haunting reminders...

Be grateful.  Be vigilant.  Be free.