ONE thing about being a part of any 12 Step program that really makes me take a look at shit is the formidable 6th Step. For those that are unfamiliar: "Step Six: We became entirely ready to have God remove all of our defects of character." Gee. That sounds nice. Yet, if you've ever personally experienced "working" this one, you know that most times it is NOT very nice. It's really quite unpleasant to look at the worst parts of you.
This time around, I've seemed to struggle a bit more with it. I've wrestled with whether or not I can move forward with it, while I'm still having this gnawing disbelief that that these nasty bastards CAN be removed. Looking back on my previous one from many years ago, I know that this is the point at which ME completely began to change. I know from THAT hard work, that THIS work will most likely cultivate the same, and I'm truly ready for that. And yet, looking back on THOSE past defects and writing last night on THESE present defects, I pretty much still have the same fuckin' ones. They were never "removed". They seem to, at times, have been "relieved", but I definitely relapse on my character defects when I feel threatened. They're my shields and my weapons, yet each time I wield them, I am the one that is beaten and broken.
I settle in quite comfortably to a few old standards, "people pleasing", "self centered", "passive/aggressive", "manipulative". While writing last night, I kept visualizing these like "a powder puff of metal shavings". I seem to be "patting" ever so gently, to make you "feel better", all the while knowing full well that what I'm actually doing to you is abrasive, brutal and will harm you, ever on the ready to point out that you LET me do it, so it's your own damn fault you're bleeding when you finally notice.
The last time I did this step, I was amazed at my character defects. I'd never actually "seen" them before. This time... it's different... I've known of their existence and fully embraced them when it suited me. I've made a conscious decision to act out on them when I have. That ain't cool. That ain't nice. That is not who I am, but it sure as hell is what I do when I'm... what? Pissed? No. Hurt? Sometimes. Afraid? You betcha.
So, in looking for the key to unlock the door and remove these beasts, I've discovered it's in my pocket and I remove these defects myself, just long enough to tear someone else apart, then hide them back away. Hmmm. All this time I've spent trying to "turn it over" to the God of my understanding, I really haven't been doing that by still cherishing the key.
This powder puff of metal shavings needs to be tossed out for good. Not just because it hurts people I care about, but because everyone knows I fucking hate makeup. ;)
Honesty, openmindedness & willingness. I love you my friend. It's because of friends like you, that I can find and use the tools and get better, a bit at a time.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think we forget that our defects are in us trying to protect us. Are they fucked up? Yes. But I'm learning a new view of them. Not rocket science at all but what I'm sayin is I'm told some of these things we can actually talk to, thank for trying to protect us and ask them if they'd be willing to step aside so we can do something different. Is weird idea to me right now but am willing to try as some of these have seemed to kick my ass for years and need them absolutely gone. I love ya dear. Put down the makeup. Ya beautiful without it.
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