Wow...

So it's January 28, 2011.  It's been awhile.

Where have I been?  Here, there, somewhere, nowhere.
What have I been doing?  Laughing, crying, sighing, smiling, lots of stuff, nothing.
Why haven't I taken the time to write?  Too much on my mind, blank stares, evil glares, who cares.

It's been a strange few months.  Relationships blossomed and fizzled.  My physical self got sick and my spiritual self got stronger.  I've looked for a solution rather than a cure.  I've tried and I've failed.  I've given up and succeeded.  I've been bored.  I've been over booked.  I've wasted time.  I've wasted money.  I've been afraid of not having enough of either and both have been given freely.

I've seen beautiful people turn ugly.  I've seen strangers become absolute angels.  I have expected less and received more.  I have relished the quiet and sobbed in it when I wanted.  The impermanence of everything has finally set in.  I've learned so much and only begun to retain it.

My life is settling in to a most pleasant ebb and flow.  Even the spinning I've done of late on my own mortality, has brought me to a place of surrender once again.  There is nothing to be done or undone.  I am happy.  I am calmly abiding the pain.  I am accepting the fear of the unknown for exactly what it is right now.

Someone recently told me I'm too dramatic and sound like I'm straight out of The Young and The Restless.  If feeling emotion deeply is dramatic, so be it.  I'm no longer young and honestly don't feel restless.  I've been having a bit of trouble sleeping, but that's just when I don't let myself be right where I'm at.

I am....
quiet
grateful
free
here.