Honesty and Ignoring the Pain

So.  My dad used to say, "I'm a fucking liar and that's the honest truth."  I have always found this completely authentic.  He is being honest about the FACT that he's a liar.  Why can't everyone be that genuine?

My best friend had an experience this morning that I couldn't help but laugh at the absolute honest ridiculousness of it all.  She sent me a text first thing this morning, "He's lieing already."  I knew enough that a text was not sufficient.  I called.  We talked all the way into work. 

We discussed how different men are from women when it comes to lieing.  Well, how different men "in the fellowship" are from women "in the fellowship".  I'm not making assumptions/observations about men/women NOT trying to "practice these principles in all their affairs", as I don't really have much experience in the past 12 years of my life with people who aren't.  I digress...  As women on this "spiritual journey", we were discussing the complete and utter DISPAIR we go through when we aren't being honest.  Even "lies of ommission" are draining and painful as hell. 

She and I happen to have a "shared history" of one of the BEST friggin' liars either one of us has ever crossed paths with, so suffice to say, we KNOW what we're talkin' about when we talk about deceipt! ;)  And, having dated "that one" and more than my share of "recovering" men, I personally have observed some pretty big differences in how we as opposites view the whole process of getting to the core issues that feed our disease. 

I am currently desperately working on my inner demons and I hate it.  But, I'm going to do it, knowing that if I don't they will fucking kill me.  This entails brutal honesty with the people in my life that are here to guide me on the path that I've never been down.  Humiliating admissions to virtual strangers.  Following "suggestions" that I don't really want to do.   I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm confused.  I'm a bit lost.  But I don't have to figure out how or why I got here just yet.  I just have to keep moving down the path, tentatively following those that have already hacked their way through.  Pick up my machete and cut away all the shit blocking my way instead of sitting down and building a cozy little hut right here where I sit.  Slice away the painful thorns and get to the other side no matter how deep I'm cut, instead of turning around and going back from whence I've come, to have the very people who've hurt me try and heal my wounds.  It's time to be a self rescuing princess and fight my own fucking dragon before it torches every last thing I stand for, including the morals and values that I've already worked so hard to attain.

I can't, I repeat, I CAN NOT be like "most" (I'm leaving it open, as I KNOW the "healthy ones" are out there) men in recovery (or out) and tell myself (or anyone else) that there is EVER a reason to be comfortable with being dishonest.  My girlfriend said this morning, "Have you ever seen that Chris Rock comedy monologue about men being liars?  The one where he says, 'Men, we lie all the time.  We lie so much, it's damn near a language. lt's like, to call a man out for lying... is like playing basketball with a retarded kid and calling him for double dribble. You gotta let some shit slide.'?"  I can't do that.  I can't let it slide.  Or I'll end up like her guy.  Telling her BULLSHIT like this, "Yeah.  O.K.  That was a lie.  But we haven't even kissed yet, so I don't HAVE to be honest with you."  REALLY?  SERIOUSLY?  Can anyone actually LIVE with themselves with this kind of belief?  I guess they can and they most certainly do, but I can't.  That shit will kill me inside and then all hell will break loose on the outside.  I will be the dragon and blow fire all over my shit, your shit and anyone else who gets near me's shit.  Whether I've kissed 'em or not.  Pfft.  C'mon.