I have HAD it! I am ready to split wide open and scream my flippin' HEAD off! This fog that has settled in over the past week is seriously driving me nuts.
I have always loved fog. It has always been my FAVORITE weather phenomenon. I'll never be able to fly through the clouds, so I've always found it so beautiful when the clouds come to me. Walking and driving in the fog is just so surreal. Not being able to tell whether I'm going up or down hill, not seeing what lies ahead or behind, has brought me comfort all of my life. I would breathe in the mist with a quiet smile on my face, feeling hugged/protected by all that surrounds me.
That was before. Before, when it was a morning or evening happening, not a damn CONSTANT for a week. I am feeling smothered/compressed instead of caressed/comforted. I am ready to kick shit. I am ready to beat the crap out of an inanimate object (no, I don't want to punch anyone in the face). I am ready to yell louder than I've yelled in years to release the pressure and back this fog up off me! My jaw is so damn tense from grinding my teeth all day supressing my urge to tear something with my teeth.
The fog has got to lift. The sun has got to show it's face. I need some damn LIGHT so I can lighten the fuck up!!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Honesty and Ignoring the Pain
So. My dad used to say, "I'm a fucking liar and that's the honest truth." I have always found this completely authentic. He is being honest about the FACT that he's a liar. Why can't everyone be that genuine?
My best friend had an experience this morning that I couldn't help but laugh at the absolute honest ridiculousness of it all. She sent me a text first thing this morning, "He's lieing already." I knew enough that a text was not sufficient. I called. We talked all the way into work.
We discussed how different men are from women when it comes to lieing. Well, how different men "in the fellowship" are from women "in the fellowship". I'm not making assumptions/observations about men/women NOT trying to "practice these principles in all their affairs", as I don't really have much experience in the past 12 years of my life with people who aren't. I digress... As women on this "spiritual journey", we were discussing the complete and utter DISPAIR we go through when we aren't being honest. Even "lies of ommission" are draining and painful as hell.
She and I happen to have a "shared history" of one of the BEST friggin' liars either one of us has ever crossed paths with, so suffice to say, we KNOW what we're talkin' about when we talk about deceipt! ;) And, having dated "that one" and more than my share of "recovering" men, I personally have observed some pretty big differences in how we as opposites view the whole process of getting to the core issues that feed our disease.
I am currently desperately working on my inner demons and I hate it. But, I'm going to do it, knowing that if I don't they will fucking kill me. This entails brutal honesty with the people in my life that are here to guide me on the path that I've never been down. Humiliating admissions to virtual strangers. Following "suggestions" that I don't really want to do. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm a bit lost. But I don't have to figure out how or why I got here just yet. I just have to keep moving down the path, tentatively following those that have already hacked their way through. Pick up my machete and cut away all the shit blocking my way instead of sitting down and building a cozy little hut right here where I sit. Slice away the painful thorns and get to the other side no matter how deep I'm cut, instead of turning around and going back from whence I've come, to have the very people who've hurt me try and heal my wounds. It's time to be a self rescuing princess and fight my own fucking dragon before it torches every last thing I stand for, including the morals and values that I've already worked so hard to attain.
I can't, I repeat, I CAN NOT be like "most" (I'm leaving it open, as I KNOW the "healthy ones" are out there) men in recovery (or out) and tell myself (or anyone else) that there is EVER a reason to be comfortable with being dishonest. My girlfriend said this morning, "Have you ever seen that Chris Rock comedy monologue about men being liars? The one where he says, 'Men, we lie all the time. We lie so much, it's damn near a language. lt's like, to call a man out for lying... is like playing basketball with a retarded kid and calling him for double dribble. You gotta let some shit slide.'?" I can't do that. I can't let it slide. Or I'll end up like her guy. Telling her BULLSHIT like this, "Yeah. O.K. That was a lie. But we haven't even kissed yet, so I don't HAVE to be honest with you." REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Can anyone actually LIVE with themselves with this kind of belief? I guess they can and they most certainly do, but I can't. That shit will kill me inside and then all hell will break loose on the outside. I will be the dragon and blow fire all over my shit, your shit and anyone else who gets near me's shit. Whether I've kissed 'em or not. Pfft. C'mon.
My best friend had an experience this morning that I couldn't help but laugh at the absolute honest ridiculousness of it all. She sent me a text first thing this morning, "He's lieing already." I knew enough that a text was not sufficient. I called. We talked all the way into work.
We discussed how different men are from women when it comes to lieing. Well, how different men "in the fellowship" are from women "in the fellowship". I'm not making assumptions/observations about men/women NOT trying to "practice these principles in all their affairs", as I don't really have much experience in the past 12 years of my life with people who aren't. I digress... As women on this "spiritual journey", we were discussing the complete and utter DISPAIR we go through when we aren't being honest. Even "lies of ommission" are draining and painful as hell.
She and I happen to have a "shared history" of one of the BEST friggin' liars either one of us has ever crossed paths with, so suffice to say, we KNOW what we're talkin' about when we talk about deceipt! ;) And, having dated "that one" and more than my share of "recovering" men, I personally have observed some pretty big differences in how we as opposites view the whole process of getting to the core issues that feed our disease.
I am currently desperately working on my inner demons and I hate it. But, I'm going to do it, knowing that if I don't they will fucking kill me. This entails brutal honesty with the people in my life that are here to guide me on the path that I've never been down. Humiliating admissions to virtual strangers. Following "suggestions" that I don't really want to do. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm a bit lost. But I don't have to figure out how or why I got here just yet. I just have to keep moving down the path, tentatively following those that have already hacked their way through. Pick up my machete and cut away all the shit blocking my way instead of sitting down and building a cozy little hut right here where I sit. Slice away the painful thorns and get to the other side no matter how deep I'm cut, instead of turning around and going back from whence I've come, to have the very people who've hurt me try and heal my wounds. It's time to be a self rescuing princess and fight my own fucking dragon before it torches every last thing I stand for, including the morals and values that I've already worked so hard to attain.
I can't, I repeat, I CAN NOT be like "most" (I'm leaving it open, as I KNOW the "healthy ones" are out there) men in recovery (or out) and tell myself (or anyone else) that there is EVER a reason to be comfortable with being dishonest. My girlfriend said this morning, "Have you ever seen that Chris Rock comedy monologue about men being liars? The one where he says, 'Men, we lie all the time. We lie so much, it's damn near a language. lt's like, to call a man out for lying... is like playing basketball with a retarded kid and calling him for double dribble. You gotta let some shit slide.'?" I can't do that. I can't let it slide. Or I'll end up like her guy. Telling her BULLSHIT like this, "Yeah. O.K. That was a lie. But we haven't even kissed yet, so I don't HAVE to be honest with you." REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Can anyone actually LIVE with themselves with this kind of belief? I guess they can and they most certainly do, but I can't. That shit will kill me inside and then all hell will break loose on the outside. I will be the dragon and blow fire all over my shit, your shit and anyone else who gets near me's shit. Whether I've kissed 'em or not. Pfft. C'mon.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
UGLY person
I got up early to check out the road report after our latest arctic blast. My news channel "broke" the news to it's viewers that one of their long time newscasters had passed away from throat cancer a little before five a.m. One of the anchors was literally holding back tears. I've lived here since 1992. This gentleman had been working at this station since 1966. Having spent five days a week with someone for that long, I personally felt an odd sense of loss knowing that he'd passed away. That's just me. I can't fathom how his co-workers feel. Out of curiosity, albeit possibly morbid, I decided to check the other network's sites, to see if they were "reporting" it, since he was technically a "rival". To my pleasant suprise, each of the other networks were in fact reporting on it and posting their own kind tributes on their websites for their lost colleague. Truly admirable, paying tribute to someone who had, like them, dedicated their life to broadcast news. Then, I started reading some of the "reader comments", all of which were heartfelt and sincere, wishing him "Godspeed" and sending "condolences to his wife and children". Then, and I just HATE it, that there is ALWAYS a THEN, this ASSHOLE (his name is Frank Garrett) had written the following: "Another liberal Clinton Obama Loving Bush Basher Christian Hater joins Satan. Long live Rush and Fox News". Seriously? Wow. Unfortunately, this "gentleman" is most likely a self proclaimed "God Fearing Christian", who doesn't have the first clue what the basics of his religion are. I'm not a Christian, but I'm relatively sure that most "God Fearers" know the one about loving thy neighbor. Ignorance and intolerance are what keep evil alive in the hearts of even the best people. Turns my stomach. It really does. Again, I find myself questioning what the hell is WRONG with some people??? I truly hope that Frank Garrett's family never has to see something awful from a stranger posted about him when he passes away... Tsk Tsk Tsk. Shame on you Frank.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
What's buggin' me today?
No. 1: CONSTANT VIGILANCE. I got an e-mail referring to a need to have "constant vigilance". It hit me wrong. It's seems rather redundant and the mere thought of it makes me tired. It's wierd, I'm o.k. with being "ever vigilant" but "constantly"? Sigh. Reeeeally? No. I'm too damn lazy to do anything CONSTANTLY.
No. 2: KIOSK. I was reading the Mongolian Girl's blog (at http://www.thecusp.wordpress.com/ GO) and she was musing on buying a new cell phone and possibly getting another carrier. This made me think about how much I truly hate cell phone companies and their KIOSKS. They force us to commit to YEARS with them and they can't even commit to a place for their workers that doesn't have fucking wheels on it? Sigh. Reeeeally. No. I don't want to deal with Joe Jock that totally thought he'd be able to get a better job.
No. 3: FATTIES. At least the report on the over 5000 people who got dumped off the beautifulpeople.com website because they're too fat to be beautiful anymore. WTF is WRONG with people? Ya know what I think? GOOD. I'm glad you got your fat ugly ass kicked off that site. You fuckin' deserved it for being so vain that you signed up for it in the first fuckin' place. I hope it hurts like hell for you to realize how shallow you once were. Go drown in some gravy and get a fucking real life. Unfortunately, they're all probably too fucking stupid to realize the people still on there are the ugly ones and they'll starve themselves fighting to get back on the site. I hope they get a spiked heel in the eye crawling over one another to get back to the top of the pile of pretty meat.
No. 4: DEAFNESS. Nooooooo, not deaf PEOPLE or even the actual impairment of being DEAF. I'm talkin' about ME here folks, PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I have had such a massive influx/outflux of snot with this cold I've had for a week and a half, that for the past 5 days, I have been DEAF. ME. CAN'T FRIGGIN' HEAR. I don't like it. I want it to stop. I want to be able to stop tilting my head to listen to people and still not being able to understand what the the hell they're saying. I look dangerously insane. (Please refer to Learn to Speak Body: Tape 5 on YouTube if you do not understand my "dangerously insane" reference.)
No. 5: UP. And other children's movies that people (like me) who don't have children think they can't watch because they don't have children. I watched UP the other day and am sick of trying to find people who can relate to me saying, "It is funny, because the squirrel gets dead." That line in and of itself made the entire movie worth watching for me. If you haven't seen it, DO IT. If you have seen it, gawd bless you and I love squirrels.
No. 2: KIOSK. I was reading the Mongolian Girl's blog (at http://www.thecusp.wordpress.com/ GO) and she was musing on buying a new cell phone and possibly getting another carrier. This made me think about how much I truly hate cell phone companies and their KIOSKS. They force us to commit to YEARS with them and they can't even commit to a place for their workers that doesn't have fucking wheels on it? Sigh. Reeeeally. No. I don't want to deal with Joe Jock that totally thought he'd be able to get a better job.
No. 3: FATTIES. At least the report on the over 5000 people who got dumped off the beautifulpeople.com website because they're too fat to be beautiful anymore. WTF is WRONG with people? Ya know what I think? GOOD. I'm glad you got your fat ugly ass kicked off that site. You fuckin' deserved it for being so vain that you signed up for it in the first fuckin' place. I hope it hurts like hell for you to realize how shallow you once were. Go drown in some gravy and get a fucking real life. Unfortunately, they're all probably too fucking stupid to realize the people still on there are the ugly ones and they'll starve themselves fighting to get back on the site. I hope they get a spiked heel in the eye crawling over one another to get back to the top of the pile of pretty meat.
No. 4: DEAFNESS. Nooooooo, not deaf PEOPLE or even the actual impairment of being DEAF. I'm talkin' about ME here folks, PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I have had such a massive influx/outflux of snot with this cold I've had for a week and a half, that for the past 5 days, I have been DEAF. ME. CAN'T FRIGGIN' HEAR. I don't like it. I want it to stop. I want to be able to stop tilting my head to listen to people and still not being able to understand what the the hell they're saying. I look dangerously insane. (Please refer to Learn to Speak Body: Tape 5 on YouTube if you do not understand my "dangerously insane" reference.)
No. 5: UP. And other children's movies that people (like me) who don't have children think they can't watch because they don't have children. I watched UP the other day and am sick of trying to find people who can relate to me saying, "It is funny, because the squirrel gets dead." That line in and of itself made the entire movie worth watching for me. If you haven't seen it, DO IT. If you have seen it, gawd bless you and I love squirrels.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Nanny, PopPop, TiTi, GiGi, WtF...
I have friends and loved ones who just outright REFUSE to be called Grandma or Grandpa. I don't get it. What is so horrendous about having a second generation that's been created? I never had to call my grandparents, any set of them, (which I had several, being in a "step" situation), anything other than Grandma and Grandpa. I like to think that none of them felt the need to be set apart as "special" by being called something different than the other set.
Some of my friends say they're just "too young" to be called a Grandma or Grandpa. What a bunch a crap! They didn't think they were old enough to be parents at 16 to 22, but by Gawd they didn't have a damn choice, mommy and daddy were made. Period. So how come, all of the sudden 16 to 22 years later they're given a choice to confuse the hell out of a kid and make up some cute name that makes THEM feel better? Some name that once the kid gets to school they're going to have to repeatedly explain over and over and over to the 90% of other kids who have a "normal" Grandma and Grandpa. Explain to their friends that their parents' parents have serious issues about growing up and being a mature adult who is a part of the cycle of life and actually ages.
Whatever happened to tradition and simplicity? Our generation just seems to have to fuck with everything don't we????
Some of my friends say they're just "too young" to be called a Grandma or Grandpa. What a bunch a crap! They didn't think they were old enough to be parents at 16 to 22, but by Gawd they didn't have a damn choice, mommy and daddy were made. Period. So how come, all of the sudden 16 to 22 years later they're given a choice to confuse the hell out of a kid and make up some cute name that makes THEM feel better? Some name that once the kid gets to school they're going to have to repeatedly explain over and over and over to the 90% of other kids who have a "normal" Grandma and Grandpa. Explain to their friends that their parents' parents have serious issues about growing up and being a mature adult who is a part of the cycle of life and actually ages.
Whatever happened to tradition and simplicity? Our generation just seems to have to fuck with everything don't we????
Security
se⋅cu⋅ri⋅ty /sɪˈkyʊərɪti/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [si-kyoor-i-tee]
–noun 1. freedom from danger, risk, etc.; safety.
2. freedom from care, anxiety, or doubt; well-founded confidence.
3. something that secures or makes safe; protection; defense.
4. freedom from financial cares or from want
The reading I did this morning was on being "secure in the love of the fellowship" and no longer being trapped in a downward spiral of obsession and compulsion. I have recently gone over my "fearless, moral inventory" of myself in regards to the area of my life that I suck at profoundly: relationships. In the process of that inventory, my "spiritual guide" made some notes with respect to my motivation in my relationships of being "safe and secure". Were my motives that bad in seeking those things? Or was I just "misinformed" as to what safety and security meant and how to obtain it? I have mused on this for a month now and am not sure I am any closer to "the answer"...
And yet, after reading the excerpt this morning, and viewing "secure" from a slightly different angle, I'm finding that once again, "the answer" is just as multi-faceted and ever changing as I am. I've had "security" of all types in all kinds of relationships. It's not been "financial security" I've sought, as I've given up all of my possessions in my two divorces and two other disastrous relationships; houses, cars, clothes, money. Just simply walked away, as it just really didn't matter to me what crap I owned or how much money I had in the bank. I've never even kept a wedding or engagement ring once it was over. Who the hell cares about a shiny bobble when your heart is shattered into more glittery pieces than diamonds in bright lights? It hasn't been "physical security" that I've lacked, as I can pretty much say that every man I've ever been with could probably do some pretty damn good ass kickin' if I were to be threatened with harm. They've protected and sometimes possessed me as I've allowed, and only one was ever physically harmful to me to the extent that my very life's security was in danger from them. No, it just hasn't been external safety that I seek.
The "security" I have relentlessly sought from another is that which can never be given. I want to be secure that the "other" will take care with me. Note that I did not say, take care OF me, but WITH me. The "security" that has elluded me over and over is that the "other" won't hurt my heart and abandon me in the middle of life. No one can guarantee me that. No ONE. And yet, there have been times where I was relatively close, and hurt and abandoned the other so they wouldn't/couldn't do it to me first. There's a guarantee!
"They" say that "happiness is an inside job". Well, if I look closely at the definitions of security, I think it's safe to say, for ME anyway, that "security is an inside job". The most important things to me have always been internal, so it seems this holds true here as well. That second definition: freedom from care, anxiety, or doubt; well-founded confidence. If I possess that "well-founded confindence", which ONLY comes from trial and error, trial and error, trial and success, THEN I will conversely possess freedom from care, anxiety, or doubt. What a conundrum life can be... Confidence is needed for security, yet failure is needed for confidence, in my case anyway. I'm not talkin' about confident I can solve a damn math problem either and ya know it!
Anyway, as you can see, Little Miss LifeMagnet is feeling a bit "polarized" these days, trying to define and refine security in self. I'll keep at it. Meanwhile, beware of gettin' too close to me! You're liable to be taken for quite the push/pull journey! :)
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