Resentment, Anger and Fear

The IP from my Fellowship on the Triangle of Self-Obsession says resentment is how I react to the past, anger is how I deal with my present and fear is how I feel when I think about the future.  There have been soooo many times I've been hopelessly trapped in that fucking triangle, that I watch very carefully for any of the three sides to show their presence.  I am much quicker now to kick down the singular side before it has a chance to find a partner to form an angled corner I can't get out of.  I can pretty much run smack into it now and say, "WTF?  Get out of my way so I can keep moving forward.", instead of panicking and sitting down to hope somebody else comes in to get me out.  Does that make sense or am I being obtuse? ;)

Deceipt Genie

So, how bad is it that I kept hitting the snooze this morning until 7:30, when I'm supposed to be at work at 8 and it's a 20 minute drive?  How bad is it that in the span of time between 7:30 and 7:32, that I had scrolled down to my boss' number and was getting ready to call in to work with an absolutely FABULOUS story?  How bad is it that I had completely planned my day off and all of things I was going to get done at home in a brief yet massive amount of a few minutes of wakefulness? 

I didn't go to bed last night with visions of house organizing dancing in my head.  Matter of fact I don't recall WHAT the hell I was thinking about before I put my head on the pillow.  Nothing.  I'm pretty sure it was nothing, which is amazing considering my propensity to spin out in my mind endlessly before the Sandman finally hits me in the head with his Thor-like hammer designed especially for nights like those, when his whispers in my ear just make things worse. 

It amazes me that I can sometimes get stuck answering questions like, "what'd you do last night" and yet I can come up with some truly beautiful schemes when I don't want to do something, like go to work or go visit my parents.  Does that still stem from my step-dad putting me in the corner and telling me I couldn't come out until I came up with a good reason for doing whatever I did for my corner placement?  I think so, but I doubt that's all of it.  Hell, I'm still trying to figure out the "all of it".  What I do know for sure is that after years of trying "to practice these principles" in all of my affairs, is that I am now a TERRIBLE liar.  I can still come up with the good shit, but can very rarely pull it off.  Even if I do manage to get the lies out of my mouth, in 98.7% of cases I end up blurting out, "I'm sorry, that's a lie!".  What a lame ass!  And if I do pull off telling the lie, I don't even enjoy living the lie.  It's just no fun anymore. 

I no longer possess that "Deceipt Genie" in a bottle inside me that would run rampant when I'd give it the slightest rub.  The bottle is still there, but the fairy has flown the coop.  That's why MY answer to "how bad is it" that I thought up a grand get outta work free tale is:  Not that bad.  I literally yelled out loud, "GET UP!" and I'm here at work.  Right where I'm supposed to be.  Now it's time to get to it!  Have a great day and don't even touch that damn bottle!