The pain of the process

is so much scarier than the outcome.  I honestly don't fear the outcome of what I have to do.  I fear the process of arriving at the end result.  I hurt so badly in the here and now, but I know without a doubt that the then will be better than the now.  The moment can be so daunting.  Living in it, seems like it should be so much easier than living in the dynamic projected future or static immobile past, but sometimes... sometimes, the moment seems to morph uncontrollably backwards and forwards until I don't know what the moment is any longer.  It is a place of pain and hope all at the same time.  Does wanting to get out of that suffocating moment in time, mean that I'm not in it?  Not to me it doesn't.  I can still be in the middle of now, desperately longing for the next now.  That's where I am a lot lately.  I have started my EMDR therapy again.  It scares me, hell, it flat out fossilizes me at times, yet I know that once the process has been reckoned with, the other side of me will know some peace with itself.  It's the in between times.  The dash from birth to death.  The blank page pauses between chapters.  The fade to black to the next scene.  The doors I stand in front of and don't want to open.  The standing with my hand on the knob and deciding whether to slowly turn it or just kick it in.  Those are the times my heart feels like it's going to explode and my mind whispers to me to just walk away.  But I'm not.  I will stay in the moment to stay in the process.  Momentarily unraveling?  Yes.  And that's o.k. too.  I have to unlace the bindings to redo them more comfortably.  Time to suit up and show up.  I'm the coach and the players.  This is my game of life.  No more sitting on the bench.  This is my moment to shine.



And so is this one...



And this one....