In our discussion this morning, I told her they appeared to be more like shackles and restraints. The people, ideals and things are special to her regardless of whether she has a charm to dangle. They are people, ideals and things that seem to be strangling instead of strengthening her.
What I didn't tell her then, but did when she called at lunchtime, is that I totally get it. I've had some sort of physical embodiment of safety, security, status and love, in every stage of my life, as most of us do.
A baby blanket, a stuffed monkey, a musical instrument, a letter jacket, a class ring, THE clothes/shoes, necklaces, a wedding band, a house, a car, a bike, the list could go on and on if I had enough time. The blanket, monkey, musical instrument and letter jacket are in a storage box in my basement, and have managed to make every trip with me when I've picked up stakes and moved on with my life, but I don't carry any of them around for everyone to see. The class ring was stolen and sold for heroin by an ex who to this day swears he didn't take it. THE clothes/shoes, yeah, they quickly became the NOT so THE clothes/shoes. All of the necklaces, including the herringbone gold chain everyone who was anyone HAD to have in high school, were pawned in my active using days. The wedding band, o.k., bands plural, were sold as soon as I got out of the marriages. The house, after a totally bonehead move, gone to foreclosure. A car, at least every one I've ever had before the one I have now, GONE. A bike, at least the first one, the one that symbolized my personal freedom, is sold, even though it's still residing in my garage.
Does the packing away, selling or losing of any of these objects that symbolized my childhood, my teenage years, my marriages, my home ownership or my personal growth mean none of it ever happened and therefore they all cease to exist? No. Do them not being a constant reminding presence mean I have forgotten? No. Does letting them go mean I've abandoned it all? No. Does anyone but me need to know of or see their existence in order to validate that I am a person with a long history of success and failure and growth? No. Are they all just mere milestones and building blocks of my journey and my life? Yes.
Don't be mistaken. I LIKE having the reminders that I have. I don't want to NOT have them. But, after physically losing pretty much everything I ever worked for a few years back, and drowning myself in this struggle to separate who I am from what I have to show for it, I now know that all that "stuff" really doesn't matter in the least.
It all comes down to me and my higher power in every single moment, past, present and future. People, ideals and things are all outside of myself, as imperminent as I myself am and really are of no necessity. That old saying, "Pray for what you need. Work for what you want.", is the reality of it all, not the physical incarnations that come from seriously doing the work. I am my own partner. I am my own vehicle. I am my own home. Anything extra that I and everyone else can touch and feel is just a joyful bonus.
I'll take inner freedom over outside confinement every day of the week. No one, NO ONE can take that away from me unless I give them or it the power to do so. Ain't happenin. Not today anyway. My life and who I am are what's really of substance and value.
