I've pulled back, coccooned and begun to protect myself the last year or so. My reactions to people outside of myself have lessened in frequency and intensity. I have dedicated myself to my therapy and my program and my spirituality. I have taken deep looks at how I've treated myself and others. I've taken deep looks at how I've allowed others to treat me. I have taken full responsibility for that which belongs to me, however painful or embarrassing it may be. I have made choices that have left me many times where I had zero desire to be and had to make other choices to get to where I belonged.
This process of realization of self has been remarkable. Catching myself thinking and reacting like the worst parts of me and actually noticing it before I can cause too much harm. Easing up on myself while holding those around me to stricter standards has not been easy. I enjoyed being the victim for too long. I had loved the attention of negativity I drew to myself because if something "bad" was happening, it was yet another perfect time for me to show everyone who would look how mistreated and taken advantage of I was.
Bad things have happened. I place no blame, not even on myself. It is what it was and can never be changed. The here and now are all that can differ. Here and now, I choose to free myself from present pain by not participating in "business as usual". Boundaries don't work for me too well, because I have never possessed the inner sense of self to enforce them.
A recent meditation class I attended spoke of how being angry with a person who strikes you with a stick is as pointless as being angry at the stick. My sense of well being doesn't depend on not being angry, as I'm truly not. My sense of well being depends on being able to stay away from anyone with a damn stick.
Unfortunately, that has meant stepping back from an entire tree. It has brought sadness to me. This is the oldest and most important tree I have. How can I just walk away? Because I have to. At least for awhile, I have to completely step away so I can learn some things about myself that I've never wanted to see. The forest of my life began with that tree. I have been completely incapable of seeing the forest for the trees.... It's so entirely past time for me to get some focus for the first time in my life. I'm not cutting down and logging the whole forest. It's still growing. Hell it's not even on fire. No need to run for the hills Bambi. I'm just going to step back and take a walk with me for awhile. There's a really peaceful stream I'd like to dangle my toes in and I think I will...
Thank you to those that love me enough to know that I need to make the journey. Blessed be to those that are actually walking with me. For those that wish to throw sticks and stones at my back, I'm not any angrier at you than I am the objects. Everyone is where they are. Me. I'm ovah heyah! ;)
