"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin
I've recently been thinking a lot about "Friends". No. Not the TV show. The never recorded version of reality "Friends". I have a "friend" who is struggling to figure out how to be friends with more than one person at a time. That difficult time when some people realize their world is smaller than they'd like, because they have only ever made room in it for one other person at a time.
I've had those times in my life. Those times that I was only capable of giving of myself to one specific person, male or female, because I was so consumed with myself that I just didn't have the space for anyone else. The universe was centered around me and I had hijacked someone else to not feel so alone in my own orbit. I didn't even really have a friend in that person, because that's not what I wanted. I had a hostage, a witness to my chaos. They needed to LISTEN to me. They needed to be available to me whenever I needed them. Yet, when/if I allowed them to talk, I had no interest in what they were saying. I would lose myself in the middle of one their sentences and interrupt them as soon as possible to revert the conversation back to myself and my experiences. Not to "share" with them how I may have addressed the same problem at some point, with the possibility that it might be helpful to them to know they weren't alone; I interrupted because I could've given a rat's shit what they were talking about. I, ME, I had something to say, and as my FRIEND, they OBVIOUSLY needed/wanted to hear it. I would do this over and over and over and over. And, inevitably, I would wonder some months later, alone again, what the fuck had happened. It never even dawned on me, that I had worn their ass out with my own bullshit, so much so that they had moved on to another galaxy.
I hadn't always been like that. In high school, I didn't really have a BFF. I genuinely loved LOTS of people. I had my BEST times on band trips and roadside parties and travelling around country roads with 2-3 other girls in the car. I didn't really have just ONE person that knew ALL of my wildest dreams and tragic secrets. In fact, I made it a point not to have someone in my life like that. I didn't want ANYONE to know all about me. That would make that person able to break my heart in two and therefor dangerous. My heart was already torn, tattered and punctured from things they couldn't even imagine, and shouldn't imagine, they were teenagers for gawd sake. No. I was quite content being the girl that others could confide in without them really knowing anything about me, other than that I could be trusted with their secrets and I could make them laugh through their tears.
So, maybe that's why, when I got out into the big bad city, I turned to the dark side of the moon. I was lost and desperate to find someone to hold onto. Someone to be familiar with. I don't know why I started emotionally vomitting on each and every indivual that got within three feet of me. Maybe I needed to? Maybe I needed to get some of what defined me out there? Just to see how people would react? See if they'd still like me? See if maybe I was crazy? Probably. Yeah. I'm actually pretty sure of it.
So, over the years, I guess as I've gotten to know myself a bit better, I've begun to know others. Finding a few friends here and there that have stuck it out with me no matter how bad I've fucked up. I've only got one person in my life, that has been absolutely consistent for the entire last 12 1/2 years. I appreciate that person. I love that person. I have zero complaints with the balance we've had. I'm grateful that the two of us have never been going through drama at the same times, for sure! I think I'll keep that one. There are others too numerous to begin to mention that have saved my life and my ass, sometimes at the same time! I think I'll keep them too. And the thing is, the ones that are "keepers" know for a fact that I'd do anything for them as well, because I've been there for them when they needed me. My universe includes them and they've given me gravity, made the fucking sun shine and the grass grow where there used to only be spun-out, dry darkness.
What I've realized over the past few days, is that I have some relatively new worlds being born, with the arrival of new unexpected people. I'm making new friends. It seems so strange to say that. After feeling pretty comfortable in the last year with my little microcosm, I'm finding myself reaching out to the universe again, finding intelligent life out there and I gotta admit it's pretty fuckin' cool. Thanks Girls Scouts of America for the guiding light: Make new friends, but keep the old... I think I will. ;)
